I respect you guys, so... constructive criticism? I really apologize for this.

[sin]

It's been years since I've tried to write a short story, but I bang this (extremely) short story out today, and would like some constructive criticism, although I know that this is kind of a bitch thing to ask...

48.83.51



A bright and auspicious day.  A heretofore unknown species has entered our Space.  Medium size, bipedal, carbon based life-forms have journeyed across the void to make contact with us.  Currently all attempts to communicate are in vain.  We Reached out to Touch the visitors, but encountered no reception.  Anthropological and Cultural segments have been utilized to correct this problem.  These creatures are beautiful but unpredictable.  Their behavior varies from unit to unit unlike anything We have ever seen



48.83.60



Further attempts to communicate again have ended in failure.  Our analysis of their technology is similarly baffled.  They seem to possess a scientific literacy unknown to Us.  Appropriate units have been dispatched to continue study.  Personal recommendation that singular units be assigned for observation has been approved, as alien units seem to appear more comfortable with previously observed units.



48.83.63



Frustration mounts at Our continuing inability to communicate with the aliens.  Personal suggestion that the aliens' sonic expressions and hand motions may constitute language has been taken under advisement.  Alien units have been given free reign throughout the primary port.



48.83.65



SUCCESS!  While these "humans" as they call themselves appear unable to Speak or to be Touched, We were correct in our assumption that their noises and gestures did constitute communication.  A larger human who identifies himself as "Captain Lethe" has indicated that We should attach all communication through his unit.  Our ability to answer is hampered by our lack of these aliens' noise-producing organs and continued attempts to Touch the Humans have met in failure.  Personal recommendation that this problem be addressed as soon as possible has been taken under advisement.  Why does one unit speak for Humans?  Why can they not Speak?  Why create machines to traverse the void?  So many questions!



48.83.85



Personal Request to construct Vocal Machines to communicate with the Humans has been approved, and the project will begin soon, this unit is told.  Our vocabulary of their rhythmic, melodic language continues to expand, but We remain unable to respond outside of hand signals.  As a side note, the Humans seem to take great interest in the configuration of Our faces when we respond.  Possibly cultural, though possibly another form of communication.  Personal recommendation that previous recordings be reviewed to observe Human faces during communication to determine possible connection.



48.83.86



Captain Lethe has become increasingly agitated at our inability to communicate.  His sonic communications have increased in volume and his physical gestures have become more erratic and unpredictable.  Other Human units have physically touched him during these periods; an act which seems to hold some meaning to the Humans, as Captain Lethe has become quieter and his gestures smoother and more predictable.  Indeed, physical contact seems to be a large part of the Human's culture, present in their traditional greetings, goodbyes, expressions of both anger and joy, concern and sadness.  Personal observation that this may be the result of a possible lack of the physical structures in the brain necessary to Speak and Touch.  This theory of a lack of necessary structures would also explain the Humans' technology, designed to translate both their communication and physical forms across vast distances, a technology only necessary for one who cannot Touch.  This would also explain Our inability to Touch them across the Void during their infancy on their homeworld.



48.83.90



Personal Request to obtain a Human brain for dissection in order to confirm theories of structural deficiencies has been taken under advisement.  Communication continues to approve, to astounding results.  Humans, in addition to their inability to Speak or Touch, seem incapable of the Greater Joining, and function as individual units.  Futhermore, these units seem incredibly specialized, almost like lower animals, with each unit assigned a particular task or specialty.  These would explain why Captain Lethe insists we run communications through his unit, and why the same Human units always appear present at the same place upon their vessel: they are performing specific functions exclusive to their units.



48.84.11



Vocal machines constructed and communication has increased tenfold.  Confirmation of previous theories flooding anthropological databanks.  Some inconsistencies observed.  Captain Lethe indicates himself by many appellations, including "explorer," "father," "ambassador," and a word to which we have yet to find an analogue: "soldier."



48.84.50



Personal Request to obtain a Human brain for dissection approved.  Through use of Vocal machines, this desire was communicated to the Human's with poor results.  Captain Lethe and other humans in the vicinity became simultaneously agitated and shortly after returned their physical bodies to their ship.  Will attempt another request soon.



48.84.52



Continued requests for dissection have been met with increasing agitation.  It has been suggested that the Humans' specialized nature may present cultural barriers to this request, as the loss of a unit creates a loss of function within the Humans' society.



48.84.80



We no longer communicate our requests for dissection towards individual Human units.  Several units, including Captain Lethe, have returned to the planet.  This unit has been allowed to observe the Human void-craft from the inside.  Report enclosed (appendix A)



48.84.85



Upon this units' second observation of the Human void-craft, a group of Human units have been observed to great interest.  These units appear much smaller than units previously observed, and seem to serve no particular function.  They seldom travel or perform any action at all without a larger Human unit in attendance.  Personal Recommendation that these units be evaluated for dissection.



48.84.91



When continued observation of the smaller Human units was requested, the request was denied by several of the larger Human units, Captain Lethe included.  Attempts to determine why have met with failure and increased agitation.  Some language barriers may remain.



48.85.11



Some event upon the Human void-craft.  Much movement and vocalization, increase in caloric intake, and an abandonment of our prior understanding of each Human units' functions.  We have been informed that this is a "holiday."  Opportunity was successfully taken to acquire 3 of the smaller Human units for study.



48.85.12



Great volume and agitation from Captain Lethe.  He has loudly expressed a desire that the 3 units we acquired be returned to the Human void-ship.  Units present attempted to communicate that this was not possible but only received increased agitation in response.  Communications with the Humans terminated in order to determine most positive diplomatic course.



48.85.14



Hypothesis confirmed that Humans lack the brain structures necessary for Speaking and Touching.  This would also imply that Humans are incapable of a greater Joining.  Their ability to traverse the void has become all the more impressive.



48.85.15



The smaller units upon which we have experimented have been returned to the Humans, though We cannot seem to find a method by which to return them to their previous functionality.  Attempts to apologize have failed.  As of this time, all Human units have withdrawn to the void-ship, and all Our units aboard the void-ship have been expelled back to our home planet.  Great agitation from all Human units, particularly Captain Lethe.



48.85.91



This unit does not know how many entries it is capable of making.  It would appear that We have committed a grave cultural error.  The Humans have become aggressive and continue to rebuff all attempts to reconcile.  It would appear that despite our vast mental superiority, or mental attacks and defenses have no effect on this Human technology.  In our arrogance of mind, we neglected to take into account these Humans' advanced knowledge of physical reality.  They possess devices which increase both temperature and pressure to such an extent as to disable many of our units' physical forms.  While this would appear an animal's warfare, and in a limited sense does not affect the health of the greater Joining, it is becoming increasingly possible that the Humans may disable all physical units, and thus sever the Joining.  Several more Human void-ships have entered our space, and wield similar devices, some even more devastating than those of the first Human void-ship.  Attempts to Touch the Others for assistance have been met with failure or negation.



48.87.99



There are only a few units left.  Our attempts to remove our physical forms from the Humans' presence were partially successful, and are the only reason this entry can be made.  It is Known that the Humans are aware of our location, and it is Known that all escape routes have been blocked by the swarming fleet of Human void-ships.  Attempts at reconciliation are repeatedly ignored.  Will attempt again.  We have greatly erred.  Any who read this final account of The People heed this warning to ware the Humans and their War Machines.  Our chapter is closed.  Our history ends.  We are conquered.  We are annihilated.  We are sorry.

[Aaron]

I liked it. The unknown aliens were cool. Not really sure I can say anything negative about it. I thought the ending was good. I liked how nondescript it was about somethings... 

[rynne]

I'm finding the alien's reactions at the end difficult to believe. If they can't grasp the idea of a non-hive mind, and can't communicate with humans well enough to understand, "Don't steal and kill our kids," I'd think they don't understand human culture at all---certainly not well enough to understand that they made a cultural transgression and the humans are retaliating against it.

The most interesting concept to me is the idea that these hive-mind creatures live in a world where illicit abduction and dissection is considered a viable means of getting to know unknown species/races. What must that world be like? What relationships and interactions have these creatures had as a basis for their culture? Would they have perhaps made the first offering, killing one of their own and presenting its brain to the uncomprehending humans? Is that considered a common courtesy on their world? I think answering those kind of questions will lead to the proper mindset or point-of-view for the alien narrator.

[sin]

You're right, in that I had some problems with the technical aspects and wasn't terribly comfortable with a lot of logical holes in the first draft, but my initial impulse was that I wanted to leave them in, and allow the reader to impose their own explanations for whatever idiocies and screw-ups that may be presented by the characters. 

If I'm being completely honest, I've been having a hard time writing anything over the past 2 years that doesn't directly rip off Alan Bloch's short story "Men Are Different" (For the record, a one page masterpiece), and the primary reason I've been showing this to people I respect is because it's probably the closest I've come to successfully ripping that story off.  I don't know why I've gotten so obsessed with it.

[individualzero]

All in all the writing style seems very solid and I enjoyed reading it!

There's a couple logical "wats" and the likes that Rynne brought up but I think he also raises a very interesting point about the 'concept' you've got for the aliens. I think that, as a writer, it's really important to establish your 'lore' -- either prior to writing or developing it as you go along, going back on stuff you've already written post-revelation of "holy shit, this is a cool concept/idea" to brush up on your own 'canon' so to speak. Thinking of little details and quirks can really make characters (or cultures) stand out and really make the writing feel alive, so to speak.